New Tumblr.

Making a new tumblr; just want to start ‘fresh’.

There’s nothing on it yet.. I just made it, literally 2 minutes ago.

If you wanna follow, it’s ——-> www.rivereuphrates.tumblr.com

See yous laduuur.

I have to get this out.

Idk what to call this.. me being naive or.. immature or just completely selfish. IDFK.

I would give ANYTHING to be where I was a year and a half ago. So many things were good and now they’re not. And the fact that I dwell on this… is crazy. I’m just being.. honest here. Hear me out.

I was so beautiful and thin and happy…? I wouldn’t say that. But I had everything I could ever want.. and what got me there was my eating disorder. Ironically enough, that’s what took me out. I was such a horrid, fucked up person inside living what I had ideally, ‘worked so hard’ to get. I’ve done wrong to so many people….. and I totally embrace the reality of it. I think that’s why I let myself rot like I do, and deny the option to do anything to change it. ‘We only accept the love we think we deserve.’

Why the fuck did I cut off my hair? Oh because it looked nice when I was thin? Yeah. It’s still thin from when a lot of it fell out which makes it harder to grow. I have nothing to hid beneath but a fucked up red piece of shit on my head.

I’ve gained weight and I can’t even look in the mirror. It’s there. Idk how much. I notice it. Idk if you would, but I do.

I’m so ashamed of myself, for what I’ve turned into. It’s why I don’t talk to anyone… I don’t want anyone to see my like this. It’s embarrassing, and quite frankly I am aware that no one cares. This is why I can’t sleep all night; my mind races and being alone in a bed in a room just amplifies this tortuous effect of nighttime. So during the day.. I sleep and no one will have to worry about me, just in my bed sleeping…. dreaming about how things should be… and how they were.

I can’t stop crying! I have no friends anymore. And I honestly do not want any from around here anymore. Everyone has their fucking opinion about the most minute things. I don’t want to hear it because it’s never nice.

:””’( I wish the few people that used to care about me a lot, would now. But I’ve pushed them so far gone that it’s ruined. My hopelessness doesn’t leave me. So I’d rather just leave it.. you know? 

Anonymous asked: why are you so messed up

Define ‘messed up’…

I sabotage my life on a daily basis. I’ve pushed away all of my friends and family as an extremity of my self loathing. ETC. 

I’d love more specific questions..

I don’t wanna feel anything, or anyone at all.

(Source: dontflyfast, via moderndayariel-deactivated20120)

Anonymous asked: You're given this one chance on Earth. And you're wasting it away worrying about how thin you are? Go live your life. Because before you know it, it's all gone. You're organic waste. You'll never see,touch,taste ever again. Stop worrying about petty shit.

I have no life to live.

Why is someone’s worth based on their appearance?

We all do it..

I am so wrapped up in denial.

Time’s fucking ticking and I refuse to acknowledge it. Barbarbar$%^&. I feel so badly about myself and as a result, I can’t even force the smallest interaction with the “outside world”.

Awe, throwing myself a pity party for the thousandth time. But I am the absolute definition of wasted space. I don’t know what to do. Someone tell me what to do.